Spoof Review: Taxidermy Guide

An old review of mine on Amazon.com:

This taught me how to stuff my dead pet squirrel Curly

taxidermyguide

Until recently,  I had three pet squirrels. I named them after the original Three Stooges – Moe, Larry, and Curly. Sadly, my squirrel Curly died. I consider this quite ironic since the real Curly was the first of the Three Stooges to die.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure what to do with Curly’s body. I don’t own a shovel, so I couldn’t bury him. Also, my attempts to flush him down the toilet had gone horribly wrong.

I then bought this fantastic book. I stuffed Curly up really good and all my problems were solved.

It’s great – Moe and Larry still get to play with Curly when they want to. It’s fun for them, but sometimes they get a little confused when Curly doesn’t play back. It’s not that they’re dumb – they’re just squirrels. They have tiny little brains and don’t understand things as good as we humans do.

Losing my squirrel Curly was very sad, but thanks to what I learned from this book, he’s sort of still alive. Well, not really, but at least he sort of looks like he’s still alive.

I know I’ll use this fantastic book again when it comes time to stuff Moe and Larry (and my new squirrel Shemp.)

 

Spoof Review: Old Spice Deodorant

My newest review on Amazon.com:

The Best Deodorant In The History of The Universe!

oldspice

I find it hard to put into words what this deodorant means to me.

The effects it has on me are amazing. I put it on and I suddenly feel invincible. I’m stronger! I’m faster! I’m smarter! And last, but not least, I feel sexy.

REALLY sexy!

I also need to mention the odor of this deodorant. It truly is a thing of beauty. It’s like I’ve taken the prettiest butterfly in all of the world and rubbed it into my armpits.

Further words fail me, but if you want to feel stronger, faster, smarter, sexier, and downright pretty, then this is the deodorant for you!

Spoof Review: Heinz Easy Squeeze Ketchup

An old review of mine on Amazon.com…

heinz

First of all, there’s no better condiment for anything than Heinz Ketchup. You can use it on anything and make the anything taste better: steak, hamburgers, soup, spinach, Wheaties – anything.

My problem with the ketchup isn’t the ketchup itself but the upside down bottle it’s in. For Pete’s sake – it’s upside down! What were the Heinz people thinking?

I’m a bit on the obsessive compulsive side and having an upside down bottle of ketchup in my refrigerator while everything else is right-side up makes me a little crazy. I tried turning the other things upside down so they’d get along better with the ketchup, but it was a disastrous experience.

Thankfully, the upside down state of the bottle doesn’t affect the taste too much. As long as I turn the food upside down before I put the ketchup on it, everything still tastes okay.

I just hope this doesn’t catch on with other bottled items. What if they start making shampoo bottles upside down? Then I’d have to turn my head upside down in the shower. Not only would it be uncomfortable, but I’d also end up getting water up my nose. I hate getting water up my nose.

I just hope the Heinz people aren’t connected with the Head And Shoulders people.

My Fun Tip On How to ALWAYS Remember Names!

deep2

I recently came up with a sure-fire (and fun!) way to always remember someone’s name when I meet them. What I do is imagine the person in a very unique situation with someone else who has the same first name as them.

Let me give you some examples.

I have a co-worker named Jennifer. It’s a lovely name, but let’s face it, it’s very common and might be easy to forget. What I did when I met Jennifer was that I imagined her passionately kissing actress Jennifer Aniston. Thereafter, whenever I saw Jennifer at work, I thought of her kissing Jennifer Aniston and I instantly remembered that her name was Jennifer!

You might be wondering what to do if the person you’re meeting isn’t attractive and you’d rather not put them in the above kind of situation in your mind.

Well, here’s another example.

I recently met a woman named Catherine. Nice woman, but far from attractive. To put it bluntly, Catherine looks likes someone hit her in the face 20 twenty times with a brick. To remember her name, I imagined her taking an art class. She’s standing there sketching the nude model who is standing at the front of the classroom – actress Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Boom! That scene in my head always makes me remember that the bricked-faced lady is named Catherine.

The examples above are obviously about women, so let me give you one with men in them.

Not too long ago, I met a guy named Larry. To remember his name, I imagined him sitting at The Regal Beagle Bar from the T.V. show Three’s Company. As you Three’s Company fans will remember, there was a character on the show named Larry. Well, that Larry walks up to the other Larry and challenges him to arm wrestle.

As they’re arm wrestling, another character from the show, Stanley Roper, is watching them and he says, “My money’s on Larry.”

Bam! Now I’ll always remember the new Larry’s name now.

So, there you go. Do your own version of what I wrote above and you’ll always remember names.

Have fun with it!

Spoof Review: Creole Mustard

My mock review of Creole Mustard that I posted on Amazon.com awhile back…

Mustard

I’ll tell you, this stuff is so good that you don’t even need to put it on food to enjoy it. It’s a meal all by itself.

I go through 7 (sometimes 7 and a half) jars of it each week. One of my friends suggested that I give it up for Lent this year, but that was just crazy talk. Give up my Creole mustard? That would have been like giving up water.

A word of caution though: don’t feed this stuff to your pets – especially goldfish. I won’t go into specific details, but I had VERY bad results when I did that.