Spoof Review: Taxidermy Guide

An old review of mine on Amazon.com:

This taught me how to stuff my dead pet squirrel Curly

taxidermyguide

Until recently,  I had three pet squirrels. I named them after the original Three Stooges – Moe, Larry, and Curly. Sadly, my squirrel Curly died. I consider this quite ironic since the real Curly was the first of the Three Stooges to die.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure what to do with Curly’s body. I don’t own a shovel, so I couldn’t bury him. Also, my attempts to flush him down the toilet had gone horribly wrong.

I then bought this fantastic book. I stuffed Curly up really good and all my problems were solved.

It’s great – Moe and Larry still get to play with Curly when they want to. It’s fun for them, but sometimes they get a little confused when Curly doesn’t play back. It’s not that they’re dumb – they’re just squirrels. They have tiny little brains and don’t understand things as good as we humans do.

Losing my squirrel Curly was very sad, but thanks to what I learned from this book, he’s sort of still alive. Well, not really, but at least he sort of looks like he’s still alive.

I know I’ll use this fantastic book again when it comes time to stuff Moe and Larry (and my new squirrel Shemp.)

 

Spoof Review: Heinz Easy Squeeze Ketchup

An old review of mine on Amazon.com…

heinz

First of all, there’s no better condiment for anything than Heinz Ketchup. You can use it on anything and make the anything taste better: steak, hamburgers, soup, spinach, Wheaties – anything.

My problem with the ketchup isn’t the ketchup itself but the upside down bottle it’s in. For Pete’s sake – it’s upside down! What were the Heinz people thinking?

I’m a bit on the obsessive compulsive side and having an upside down bottle of ketchup in my refrigerator while everything else is right-side up makes me a little crazy. I tried turning the other things upside down so they’d get along better with the ketchup, but it was a disastrous experience.

Thankfully, the upside down state of the bottle doesn’t affect the taste too much. As long as I turn the food upside down before I put the ketchup on it, everything still tastes okay.

I just hope this doesn’t catch on with other bottled items. What if they start making shampoo bottles upside down? Then I’d have to turn my head upside down in the shower. Not only would it be uncomfortable, but I’d also end up getting water up my nose. I hate getting water up my nose.

I just hope the Heinz people aren’t connected with the Head And Shoulders people.

Spoof Review: Invisibility & Levitation

I’m starting a new feature here called SPOOF REVIEWS. Many years ago, when I had entirely too much time on my hands, I used to go to Amazon.com and write “spoof” reviews for books, albums, movies, household products, etc.

Basically, the reviews were written to look real, but it was just me being a smartass.

They were fun to do and I’m going to share some of them here. I’ll also be writing some new ones soon.

First up, my review of a book called INVISIBILITY & LEVITATION: HOW-TO KEYS TO PERSONAL PERFORMANCE.

invis

I loved this book! After reading it, I became a master of both invisibility and levitation.

However, I’ve found that the two things sometimes don’t go hand in hand very well together.

If I’m just invisible and not levitating, or just levitating while I’m not invisible, I’m perfectly fine.

My problem is when I’m trying to levitate while I’m invisible.

When you’re invisible, your depth perception gets all messed up and it can become a potentially dangerous situation.

For example, the other day I was invisible and levitating several feet up in the air so I could watch my neighbor as she sunbathed in the nude. I got high up enough to get a good view, but because I was invisible and my depth perception was messed up, I underestimated the height which I could levitate and I ended up banging my head on a tree limb. I then fell to the ground.

As you all know, sudden shocks like that to the body will make your invisibility wear off. Imagine my embarrasment when my neighbor saw me lying there naked on the ground. I was mortified (and she wasn’t real happy either!)

This is a great book but it would have been better if it covered everyday situations like that.